Down and dirty in Lancefield – SexRurality 2017

This August I was lucky enough to pack my bags and head across the land to rural Victoria. Lancefield to be exact. I was heading to SexRurality 2017, a small but vibrant conference put on by the University of Melbourne’s Centre for Excellence in Rural Sexual Health. As a rural-based PhD candidate, researching how to improve the coordination of sexual health interventions in small rural towns – I’d struggle to find a more relevant conference.

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I arrived in Victoria tired, excited and unsure what to make of this conference. I’d followed the 2015 instalment via Twitter and had liked what I had seen. This conference is primarily pitched at workers, researchers and educators in rural Victoria – I was unsure how relevant I would be to them, and what would be made of my presentation. Getting away to Lancefield was the culmination of an absolutely desperate couple of weeks – busy family life, hectic work and a few curve-balls thrown in along the way. Funding my trip was a stressful challenge – as a PhD student that has the privilege of undertaking my research sans scholarship (APA or otherwise), I found myself in the position that my School would fund my trip – provided I was presenting. Except abstract acceptance took a little while. They would also fund certain things upfront, others I would need to claim reimbursement. After a fragile few weeks that bordered on financial ruin, my abstracts were accepted, money flowed where it needed and I was buckling my seatbelt and stowing my hand luggage.DGGWWBJV0AADfXU

Lancefield seemed nice. Nestled near the Macedon Ranges, it is a tiny country town, with a quiet main street. I wandered around the afternoon before the conference trying to get a feel for the place. It was so close to Melbourne (75kms), but felt so far at the same time. It was, thankfully close enough that coffee in the local cafe was good and cheap! SexRurality was being held at a winery conference venue. It was going to be a tough few days.

Our conference kicked off as any should – with a heartfelt, informative and challenging Welcome to Country. Given how we came to be in possession of this land, I have no problem when a Welcome to Country touches on the removal of land and property and makes you uncomfortable. How can we understand where we are going, if we cannot acknowledge the past? Perry Wandin delivered this Welcome to Country. We were meeting on Wurundjeri land – and from what I had seen of it so far, it was beautiful. Perry gave us a bit of history of the area, told us about the Healesville mission, about Coranderrk, its granting to the Wurundjeri people and its removal when local farmers decided the land was too profitable to be in the hands of Aboriginals. Perry’s delivery was relaxed, passionate and informed. He gave me a glimpse of what had come before us in the area, and a hope of what could come.

We had a solid opening session. Professor Bill Adam welcomed us to the conference and touched on the need to train rural health workers in the rural setting. In order to get people in to the country, you need to train them – but you can’t just drop them there as juniors or students and hope for the best. There must be training for the trainers. Centralisation of training not just an issue for rural Victoria – it is incredibly challenging to do post-graduate or doctoral study in rural WA.

MP, Mary-Anne Thomas delivered a welcome address and launched the CERSH online modules on Rural Sexual Health Care. Thomas is the Labor Member for Macedon – and I have to admit, gave an impressive address. I’ve seen many an MP “phone-in” conference addresses. There was, of course, a nod towards the work her Government was doing, but what I appreciated was the sincere engagement with the topic and the context – Thomas spoke like someone who understood rural sexual health, not just read a briefing note. Thomas encouraged everyone present to “keep making waves and ripples”. This I appreciated.

 

Louise Galloway spoke on strategy developments to address stigma and discrimination as part of State wide policy in Blood borne virus and sexually transmitted infection control. Galloway asked us – what target is acceptable for stigma and discrimination? Her team were trying to set an appropriate target and agreed, you must set a target of zero. Associate Professor Jane Tomnay, gave us an overview of the work that CERSH was undertaking – and highlighted that there was not a single piece of work that CERSH did on its own. Tomnay noted that a lack of specialisation is a key characteristic of workers in rural areas who address sexual health. This is a key component of my own research – it’s no ones job. While this is an issue, there will be no improvement in specialisation any time soon, so we have to find ways to harness this generalist approach and find intersections in roles and improve collaboration. Professor Chris Fairly rounded out the morning session giving a clear and interesting presentation on the importance of government policy in addressing sexual health; how policy is more important that individual choice in this area.

After the break, we heard from Deakin University researchers and peer educators on the Sexual Lives and Respectful Relationships project – a program focussed on intellectual disability and sexuality. We were asked if supporting people with intellectual disability part if your core business – and it was highlighted within the presentation that accessibility takes more than a ramp, but a whole system approach. The SL&RR project peer educators gave us an insight in to what the project was really about and the type of content that was delivered. The program isn’t about teaching slang for body part and sex, about setting the rules on who you can hug and how, or about condom use. Its focuses on conversations, facilitation and community connections.

Our next presenter was author, Clementine Ford. Now, Clementine is known by everyone to be a man hating femi-nazi that won’t rest until women are all that is left of the human race. She makes grown men cry on the interwebs; says really mean things; and spews streams of misandry laced with vitriol. This is according to the bands of MRAs on Twitter (they even sent ME a few tweets once they knew I was sharing a presentation room with her). I’m a big fan of Ford. Her book is excellent, challenging; uncomfortable reading – and I was nervously excited by what would have to say.

flagFord talked about many things. Reproductive rights were a key theme; reproductive labour and child rearing responsibilities; how women die from abortion when it is unsafe; that access to abortion is a fundamental right. Ford urged us to change the conversation and perception of who actually accesses abortion; and to stop fighting the pro-life movement using pro-life language. Ford spoke about how abortion is not a first line choice for contraception for people – but it should not be excluded from the conversation when we plan and talk about it.

The question time for both presentations was intense. It was interesting. It was challenging. And after everything that was discussed, I felt like I’d learnt many things. One of them was how poor post-partum health care is and how much better it needs to be. There was a lot of passion in the room about the pelvic floor and its recovery. I felt schooled. kegel-chat

The afternoon sessions were split streams. I missed a significant chunk of time from one session, having a great conversation with Ford in the dining room. I wasn’t kidding about being a fan, and the opportunity to have a conversation with an author I respect was not something I could miss (and an embarrassing request to sign her book). Ford was incredibly generous with her time, given the juggling of responsibilities and engagements, and I’m really grateful of the time she gave me. We talked about men, about empathy, about dance, about a few things really – and I have to say, its surprising (not surprising) how wrong MRAs (and a fair chunk of Twitter) are about Ford (given their views on feminism, maybe not a shock). Despite all the Twitter warnings that I would be dismembered or beheaded; I was left with a great appreciation of a hard-working author, a list of books and papers to Google, and a signed copy of Fight Like a Girl. I know right, who’d have thought.

I rejoined the conference and jumped in to learning about how people were improving sexual health through social media and digital technology. Anna Roberts gave us a run down how Gippsland Women’s Health had used their #areyoucovered campaign to let young people in their region know where to get their paws on contraception from condom vending machines. They even had local governments competing against each other to see who could move the most “units”. Way to go harnessing those small town rivalries. I say we do the same. I’m looking at you Mt Barker.

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Linette Etheredge explained her PhD project engaging young people on intimate relationships through digital technology. One of the things that stuck with me from this presentation was, aside from the content; it is so hard to explore what young people think about sex, sexuality and relationships when we can’t get ethics to study them. This group need protection from exploitation, but given how many young people are sexually active at an age younger than what we can feasible get ethics to ask them about it – how do we support them? Megan Lim from the Burnet Institute, delivered findings from their online survey on young people’s perceptions on the impact of online pornography. It was noted that watching pornography online was common and frequent in both genders – with both genders noting problematic use.

The afternoon was a fantastic panel discussion on diversity, equity, rural life and sexual health. From the provision of care to refugee women living with HIV in the rural setting, to dealing with female genital mutilation, to improving how we address sex, pleasure and diversity, to addressing the needs of queer youth, to using a consortium model to improve sexual health outcomes for young people. There were simple solutions to complex challenges – things as pure as being respectful and watching your language; finding solutions to clinic booking systems, from being flexible with bookings to code-words to improve confidentiality; to just being flexible in general. Franklin John-Leader gave a key quote for me in the context of finding solutions in your region- in that “you can’t wait for people with magic bullets”. My entire PhD project was started on that idea – there wasn’t anyone else coming to do this.

It was a huge first day. I was pretty nervous about day two – and my chance to speak. I was tired from hearing from such fantastic presenters. We headed off for the usual canapes, drinks and dinner. This was a sexual health conference, not a nutrition conference, so the food wasn’t too healthy, there was cheese and cured meat and fantastic local wine. Don’t judge me. I was self-determinating. We also had great entertainment from the very talented Benny Walker. Playing to a room full of networking delegates is tough, but this guy was great.

Day two kicked off hard and fast. Marilyn Beaumont, OAM and Buga Up Alumni, got us rolling with a stirring and powerful reminder of the importance of advocacy in women’s health. Beaumont gave us the history of improving access to abortion in Victoria and the incredible amount of sacrifice and effort that their group went to. There was a standing ovation. It was deserved. To hear from this person, and the amazing work she and her colleagues did to advance human rights in Victoria (and Australia) was humbling, inspiring and a privilege.

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Dr Paddy Moore followed to give the current context of abortion service provision and access in rural Victoria. Circa 2013, the single most common reason for women to travel to Royal Women’s Hospital was to access abortion with many women travelling from across rural Victoria to access abortion services at this central. Moore spoke of the need to continue to improve rural access to services – in town, not in the city; and how they had gone about doing this. Dr Alan Hulme Chambers followed, to explain systems, statistics and stories of medical termination of pregnancy – and highlighted the need to maintain advocacy alongside service and system development. Hulme spoke of the importance of building local networks and ties for improving on the ground intelligence; and trust. These things were critical in delivering services in rural area. All spoke of the complications of providing abortion services in rural towns with abortion provider stigma and community politic – and how despite overwhelming public support of medical termination, health services still don’t advertise due to fear of backlash.

The late morning session was sexual health research in rural communities. I was up. I tried my best to focus on my fellow presenters and tried my hardest not to break in to a large sweat. There was a presentation giving a comparison between metro and regional medical and nursing care; Stephanie Atchison stepped out of her lab to present on the (lack) of knowledge HPV in Australian Men; Emily Grant told us about her roving exploration of the Barwon South West region in search of condoms (to assess for young people’s access). Vendors hiding condoms above the cigarettes to stop them being stolen, condom vending machines in weird places and a general lack of access were the key themes.

Shannon Hill presented on the referral pathways and practices in rural Victoria – with a lack of clear pathways, confusions and inconsistent knowledge common. Next up, was me. It was a kind crowd and there were mainly positive reviews. A big thank you to Siobhan Bourke for snapping me, and thanks to everyone that didn’t leave. Declan McGavin rounded of the session with his presentation on practice nurse and practice manager perspectives on sexual health discussions with older Australians. We can’t forget “older” Australian’s are having sex. As one of my nursing lecturers once said to me – when would you like to stop, pick an age.

Lunch was eaten with the appetite of a man relieved to no longer have to present – a tired content that bordered on an inability to re-engage with the conference at all. If you’ve presented, you know what I mean – it’s not that you don’t WANT to get back in to it, it is just that the pressure is off, you can relax, and a nap would be amazing. I held off on the nap, ponied up and went back for more.

Jack Nelson, from CERSH, spoke about their SHOUT project. One of the things that really stuck in my mind about this presentation was the analysis of previous poster campaigns by young people. The language on the posters didn’t match with the young people’s own language – it was trying to be cool. That was lost on them. Anna Roberts doubled up to talk about trying to get schools to engage in collaboration to deliver relationships and sexuality education. Results hadn’t been amazing – and goes to show, even with incentives, sexual health can be a hard sell. It was also great to hear about things that weren’t working so well – we can learn from struggles as much as success. Eileen Berry, professional journalist come sexual health resource creator presented/was interviewed about developing her parent guides resource. As well as giving us a great insight into what is basically a passion project (of wonderful merit) and how it came to be, Eileen also gave us some great tips on dealing with the media, the best being:

“There is no such thing as a free lunch, if you’ve got a lot of secrets – don’t go lunch”.

We wrapped the conference with a review of all the sessions – there was so much great content. Then wearily, everyone headed off, back to reality. Back to places where sexual health is nobody’s job; where no one is that interested in young people getting condoms; where abortion is judged through a moral lens; were the world is binary and there is much contradiction. We’ll go back to worlds where people will want to argue the definition of rural. Where people will say, yes, ok, sounds important, but what about the ice problem? Where feminism is a dirty word.

I was going back to WA. Back to my little office. Back alone, muddling through a project that at times seems obvious and unwanted. At least we know, come 2019, somewhere in rural Victoria, we might all come back together again, to be around friends, to search for solutions, collaborations and ways to make sure sexual health is on the agenda. In the meantime, I’ll be here:

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Being a Dad

I’m not a fathering expert. I’m not an expert in anything, really. I’m a general nurse. I have a Masters in THE MOST general health area you could think off. I am average, ordinary and general in many, many areas. I am a father, an average, ordinary one and my kids are challenging, but pretty ordinary and average really. This is just some thoughts – take it or leave it. No expert. Just a Dad.

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Doing cross country with my two boys

Being a Dad can be a tough gig. Now – mothers, I know yours is a special kind of hell. You carry a child; accepting numerous changes to your bodies; birth a child in a variety of different manners, none of them gentle; feed, or not feed a child with milk that your body produces, while having to cope with the judgement and shaming of doing it/not doing it/not doing it long enough/doing it too long. You have to do the bulk of the heavy lifting, are the one your child is predominantly attached to in the early years and more often than not give up a career for the privilege. Or put it on pause. Or go return to work with your kids in day-care, while being judged for your time away from work and doing it/not doing it/not doing it long enough/doing it too long. Or have a stay-at-home Dad help you in return to work, who will be held up as bastion of selflessness for doing what the majority of mothers do with zero praise or adulation. Its balls. I get it. I really do.

Being a Dad is different. It is confusing at times and there are challenges. You don’t have anything to do with the gestation of a child beyond the fun part at the beginning. Unless your child has been conceived through IVF, where your fun bit was in a dark room, alone. Come the birth, you’re really a spare wheel. No matter how doting, caring and empathetic you are – you’re never going to get it. The midwife knows this intrinsically and will pay you no attention, beyond scoffing at any minor complaint you may make, no matter how quietly you thought you were voicing your concern about being tired or stressed. Save it for later. There will be no sympathy here.

The baby is born and you are largely forgotten. Child health nurses will largely ignore you, regardless of how involved you are. Friends will ask how the baby and the mum are going. Workmates don’t care, but will ask. They don’t care. They’ll pretend they do, but really, they’re only asking to be polite. Stop explaining what is happening and go back to work so everyone else can move on. Seriously, no-one cares. If they’ve got kids, they’re just waiting for you to finish talking so they can share their story – if they don’t have kids they are purely waiting for you to finish talking. Its not new to everyone else man. You are not the first Dad on the planet. Move on.

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Being a Dad is a challenge. Being a Mum is more of a challenge, and we should cut our whining and consider ourselves lucky and be more supportive, but it is still a challenge.  You feel like a spare part – but society expects you to be a major player. You feel like there is something you should do to help – but it isn’t very obvious. You want to be involved, but workplaces don’t support that really. Oh yeah – the department has got a family friendly policy, but don’t ask your boss for a morning off to attend an assembly. You’ll get laughed out of the office.

You’ll want to get involved and you’ll want to be supportive and you’ll also want some recognition from society that you are more than a walking inseminator – but none of that is probably going to happen so just try and keep yourself busy and engaged and for God’s sake, don’t complain. DO NOT COMPLAIN.

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Here are a few things you can do, to make yourself be less annoying and improve your life, and the lives of those around you:

  1. Forget about sex. For now anyway. Seriously, forget it. Just move on.  For the next few months just sort yourself out. You know what I mean. But even do that quietly and respectfully. You might feel great, and now the baby is sleeping a little more, your feeling a little more like you should try it on and look for a little bit of action. Your partner, despite having grown a 4.5kg parasite for nine months, looks amazing. You’ve never thought she has looked more beautiful. That incredible thing she has gone and done in growing and delivering a child has led to you thinking she is probably the most amazing human being on the planet. She’s also had an unexpected, chest related bonus you weren’t planning on. She is amazing. She looks amazing. She’s the sexiest creature ever. The issue is – she’s lactating. 62035291.jpgYep, those massive fun-bags you want to pounce on don’t belong to you any more (not that they did), they don’t even belong to your partner any more either. She is a walking food source and no amount of sleep, back rubs or gifts are going to change that. She’s also had massive body changes, is feeling incredibly responsible for a brand new, super needy human being and has more things to think of than you’ll ever know. Eventually (I hope for your sake), she’ll bring sexy back and you’ll be back in business – but until then, cool your expectations, be incredibly loving and supportive and focus on being useful. giphy.gif
  2. Focus on being useful. I spent six months as the stay at home parent when my first son was 3 months old. This was in another country, with an incredibly supportive Aunty helping out around the place, but primarily, child rearing was my gig (during the day). IT WAS HARD. Harder than work. Harder than manual labour. Harder than deciding whether to have a macchiato or a latte at lunch. SERIOUSLY HARD. latte-vs-latte-macchiato.jpgSo, when you come home from an INCREDIBLY stressful day at the office, doing whatever the hell it is you do; or get in after a really solid day on the tools and your back is throbbing – get useful. Now, this may not mean coming through the door and helping out by cooking. If you cook dinner, your partner is still looking after your kids. You need to ASK what is the most useful thing to do and muck in and do it. Then, when its sorted and baby is sleeping – turn your attention away from the couch and take on the next most useful thing you can tackle. You need to help the hell out. Raising a child is a full time job. Cleaning the kitchen and doing the laundry is ON TOP OF THAT. It is not an all inclusive deal, my friend – you need to do you share (as in an equal share) of the housework on top of the invaluable work you do earning money, because your partner is doing the invaluable work of raising your child for nothing. It is sometimes called domestic foreplay. If point one really resonated with you and you’re in a massive dry patch right now, try point two on for size. See if you can launder your way back to loving. Try to scrub your way to sex. Seriously, worst case scenario, you’ll actually help out by doing a small portion of the amount of housework you should be doing. Best case, you might gain some appreciation.images
  3. Don’t baby-sit your kids. Don’t do it. And don’t let ANYONE say that you are. You’re not babysitting. You’re not a desperate teenager saving money for next weekend’s binge drinking (or responsibly buying a car, or uni text books). You’re parenting. You’re fathering. You’re not doing a favour or taking on some additional task. You’re being involved in the most important thing in the world to you, aside from your partner. If someone asks if your babysitting your own kids. Tell them to go away (in much more colourful language). If your partner says your babysitting your kids – correct them. AAEAAQAAAAAAAAOQAAAAJGIxM2NiMTYxLTFiN2ItNDU5ZS1hZWRhLTcxYWIxZWIyYjMyNQ.jpgOn a slightly related side note: if your partner refers to you as “one of the kids” or a “mother of three” and includes you in the count – you need to grow some balls and man up. I don’t care how completely useless you are as a partner and a father, if you let your partner believe that you are as useful as a child in her life – forget point one. In fact, forget having any sort of meaningful adult relationship with your partner. Man up, stand up and change what ever has to be changed man-child. 635688549940642012-1245705170_man child.jpg
  4. They’re your kids. Yep, get involved big guy. You’re not doing a “favour” by being involved and taking them to swimming on the weekend. You’re not special. You are just doing what is expected of you – so don’t expect a pat on the head for just being an average father. Being involved in your own child’s life when you are not at work is not amazing. You don’t get a Father of the Year nomination for doing what is basically expected of you, having decided to bring another human being in to the world. tywinlannisterfar_893624.jpgJeez, if you think it is some big deal that you are involved in the most rudimentary way in the raising of your own child – you’re probably expecting a medal Ceremony for Domestic Services for that load of washing you put on. Pull your head in. It is your child, your house, your family. Take responsibility for what is yours and do what is expected of you without wanting a pat on the head every time you fulfil your most basic obligations.
  5. Work on your relationship. Once you’ve got your head around covering off the basics above – put some extra special effort in to getting along with your partner and work on your relationship. Take time out to spend together. Use eager grandparents to care for your child. Don’t feel bad for taking up a grandparent’s offer to look after your kids if your going to spend time with your partner. Your parents or in-laws remember how banal and mind-numbing raising kids can be, and they want to show off to their friends about how engaged and supportive they are. Exploit this for your own gain. They did. Don’t you remember being dropped off to Nanna and Grandad for the school holidays? THE SCHOOL HOLIDAYS! Not an evening so you can watch a movie – extended bloody periods. My parents even went over seas. article-2501704-195AE59800000578-881_306x423.jpgHonestly, get over your self and how important you think you are in the raising of your own children and give Gran and Pop a turn. They want to prove to you they still have it. And seriously, as much as you think you’re critical to your kid’s well being day to day, you are so quickly forgotten once the milo and lollipops come out. Honestly, your kids will go to sleep without you, they’ll be safe(ish), they’ll enjoy bonding without you hovering around being clingy, they’ll love it. Get out and spend some time with your partner and reconnect. Keep dating, well beyond the birth of your kids. Make your relationship a major priority. you’re a team in this childrearing thing, and if that isn’t your number one priority, ahead of kids, work and craft beers – you still have time to re-jig things. Make time. Exploit your parents generosity and reconnect. You never know, point one may be back in play if you’ve done well in the other areas.

So that’s it. I could go on all day – but who needs that. We’re all losing interest. So that ends my general advice to Dads. Its nothing more than the basics really: don’t be a demanding tool, be respectful and fair, and don’t expect a ticker tape for doing the basics. Again, I’m no expert and my advice in general – but I’ve been trying to follow it for a while now and, despite the small sample size, it seems to be working.